| I used to play baseball in high school and college. I even | | | | said (defensively), "I wanted you to play. Don't you |
| played in an over thirty league back in the mid eighties. | | | | remember? You kicked the ball once, missed it, and fell |
| When my child Sarah was born in 1991, baseball wasn't | | | | on your head. Then you begged me not to make you |
| something I thought she would ever be interested in. | | | | play again." She answered me with , "SO? Why didn't |
| But when she was about six, I took her over to the | | | | you make me?" Now I was the one who was starting |
| park to hit some baseballs. She picked up the balls | | | | to sweat. I said, "You didn't want to play. You wouldn't |
| after I hit them, and she got up to bat. She hit a few | | | | let up until I agreed not to make you play.Sarah then |
| balls, and she even ran the bases. Sarah had and still | | | | made a statement to me that I will never forgot as |
| has athletic ability- good hand eye coordination, | | | | long as I live. She said, "But dad, you're supposed to be |
| flexibility, strength and agility. Well, when Sarah was 7, | | | | in charge." Where had I gone wrong seven years |
| she came to me one day and said, "Hey dad can I | | | | earlier? At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do |
| play soccer?" I said, "Sure." So I went out and bought | | | | was to give in to what Sarah wanted. But it turned out |
| her a soccer ball, shin guards, and cleats. I signed her | | | | that I hadn't done what she needed me to do. I had |
| up for the recreational league in town. I must admit I | | | | allowed a six year old to decide whether or not she |
| was pretty enthused. We practiced kicking the ball in | | | | wanted to play soccer. What had she really needed at |
| the backyard, and we were both getting pretty excited | | | | the time? She needed me to tell her that she was |
| about her first game. Well, the Saturday of the first | | | | going to play soccer because I as the parent knew |
| game came, so Sarah and I headed up to the soccer | | | | what was best for her, and I wasn't going to give her |
| field. After some warm-up activities and a pep talk | | | | a way out. She wanted me to be in charge, not allow |
| from the coach, the game started. To my surprise | | | | her to be in charge. I unknowingly had let her down. |
| Sarah was in the starting line-up. She ran up and down | | | | When I teach my graduate courses, I ask my adult |
| the field for the first ten minutes or so, and she finally | | | | students the following question all the time. How many |
| had an opportunity to kick the ball. She took her first | | | | things did your parents let you get away with as a kid |
| kick, missed the ball, and landed flat on her back. She | | | | that you wish you had never gotten away with? I |
| got up, and came crying over to the sideline and | | | | usually get lots of stunned looks from my students. |
| begged, "Don't make me play anymore, Dad, I can't do | | | | Too often we allow our children to make choices and |
| it." She refused to go back into the game. The game | | | | decisions that they have no business making. I see it all |
| ended, and on the way to the car she continued to | | | | the time in supermarkets, stores, and malls, parents |
| cry, "Don't make me play Dad, please, I don't want to." I | | | | giving in when their children demand they buy |
| mustered up all my courage and I said to her sternly, | | | | something, or parents trying to coax their kids to stop |
| "You're playing. You are playing. Now get in the car." | | | | crying or to stop running away from them. The children |
| She got in the car and we drove home. On the way | | | | ignore their parents' pleadings. Usually, the parents say |
| home all I heard was a bunch of sniffling and whining in | | | | something to their children like, "What do you want to |
| the back seat. I didn't have a very long ride home, but I | | | | do?" Well honestly, who cares what they want, they're |
| can tell you this. She wore me out. I was emotion ally | | | | three years old! I'm not totally sure where this whole |
| exhausted by the time I got home. We pulled up into | | | | attitude has come from, but I have my own theory |
| the driveway, and I sat miserably in the car as I | | | | that Dr. Benjamin Spock had a lot to do with it. Spock's |
| watched Sarah get out and walk into the house, | | | | first book, Baby and Child Care" was first published in |
| sniffling and shaking as she walked through the front | | | | 1946 just in time for the baby boomer generation. In his |
| door. I sat stewing in the car and said to myself, "Who | | | | book he spoke about feeding on demand, respecting |
| wants to play soccer anyway, dumb game." I then | | | | your children, the need for flexibility, and the lack of the |
| attempted to further rationalize my thoughts by saying | | | | necessity to worry about spoiling. The paperback sold |
| to myself, "Soccer's for boys anyway." I walked into | | | | more than 50 million copies and was translated into 30 |
| the house, stood at the bottom of the stairs and yelled | | | | languages. Critics of Spock claimed that he was "the |
| up the stairs, "SARAH." She sniffled her way through a | | | | father of permissiveness." In later years, Spock |
| "Yeah dad." I said, "Come down here." She came | | | | claimed that he never changed his basic philosopy on |
| down the stairs, and I said to her, "Look honey, you | | | | child care, that it was imperative to respect children |
| don't have to play soccer, if you don't want to play. It's | | | | because they're human beings and they deserve |
| ok with me." She said, "Oh thank you daddy." She | | | | respect. But he seemed to retreat somewhat from his |
| gave me a big hug and kiss and ran back upstairs. | | | | teachings when he made statements such as "I've |
| Honestly, I felt like her hero. I was her knight in shining | | | | always said ask for respect from your children, ask |
| armor. I had just come through for her, and given her | | | | for cooperation, ask for politeness. Give your children |
| exactly what she wanted. I was sure I had made the | | | | firm leadership." Years later, he beca me more |
| prudent decision; I didn't even have to ask her mother's | | | | moralistic and he said that parents should give their |
| opinion. I figured what's the big deal, no harm done. I | | | | children strong values and encourage them to help |
| was content in the knowledge that I had allowed my | | | | others. This is only supposition, but I hypothesize that |
| six year old daughter to make her own decision. Well, I | | | | Spock may have decided that he didn't like what he |
| have another daughter named Grace (Grace is 6 | | | | saw in society and realized that he may have played |
| years younger than Sarah) who came to me when | | | | a part in the screwing up of generations. In later |
| she was six years old and said, "Hey dad,can I play | | | | editions of the book originally titled The Common |
| soccer?" I said, "Sure honey." The same routine | | | | Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, he stressed that |
| started again, the shin guards, the cleats, the soccer | | | | children needed standards and that parents also had a |
| ball, the practice, and finally the game. But this time, the | | | | right to respect. He stated in his book that parents |
| outcome was much different. Grace ran | | | | were starting to become afraid of imposing on the |
| enthusiastically up and down the field from one end to | | | | child in any way. I 'm not claiming to be an expert on |
| the other. She never got near enough to even touch | | | | child rearing, but I do know that if children are are fed |
| the ball, but she had a great time. Grace came off the | | | | on demand they will be demanding. If they are allowed |
| field with a look of absolute joy in her eyes and said to | | | | to say anything they want they will be disrespectful. If |
| me, "Boy, that was fun Dad." She played the first | | | | they are not held accountable they will be irresponsible. |
| season, and had a ball. She played the next season | | | | And if there are no consequences for inappropriate |
| and really improved a lot. She wanted to score really | | | | behavior they will be non-compliant. Parents today |
| badly, but didn't have the opportunity. She still loved the | | | | always ask, What can we do with our kids today? My |
| game. To her, every game was an event, an outing | | | | question is, What are we going to do with these |
| that ended with a snack and a Gatorade, lunch, and a | | | | parents? Once I relinquished my natural right as a |
| fun time spent with me. While this was going on Sarah | | | | parent to make decisions for my children, I was never |
| was into cheerleading, gymnastics, track, palates, and | | | | truly able to reestablish my parental authority. From the |
| even a little weight lifting. She loved designer clothes, | | | | moment that my daughter convinced me to allow her |
| having her nails done, tanning, make-up, and just looking | | | | to make the choice not to play soccer, she learned |
| good. She watched her weight and understood that in | | | | she had the power to make basically every decision |
| order to look good, she had to spend a good deal of | | | | that came along in her life whether large or small. And |
| time exercising. She commented to me one time that | | | | the saddest part of all of this for me is that she |
| some of her friends on her track team had less body | | | | blames me because I wasn't strong enough NOT to let |
| fat than she did and that they could run faster than | | | | her assume a role she was never designed to play in |
| she could. It was just a passing comment but I | | | | her own young life. Dr. Spock has since passed away, |
| remember her saying it, and I most definitely noticed | | | | and I think many of us are looking for a new voice to |
| that she was bothered by this. One day Sarah and I | | | | offer us some solid advice to help us sort out the |
| drove over to the soccer field to pick Grace up from | | | | mess we are in today. |
| a soccer practice. We got to the field, and Grace got | | | | Jim Burns is one of America's most inspirational |
| into the car sweating; her face was as red as a | | | | educational speakers. His humorous and insightful |
| tomato. Sarah handed a Gatorade and a snack over | | | | presentations touch and influence his audiences in an |
| to her in the back seat, and Grace just sat there, | | | | unforgettable way. Best known for his presentations |
| contentedly guzzling her drink. Sarah looked back at | | | | on Bullying, Motivating Disaffected Students, Diffusing |
| Grace, then looked forward, looked back again at | | | | Power Struggles, Character Education, and Leadership, |
| Grace again, and then stared straight at me. She said, | | | | Jim has worked as a teacher and administrator since |
| "Hey dad, why didn't you make me play soccer?" I | | | | 1977. |