| I used to play baseball in high school and | | | | you remember? You kicked the ball once, |
| college. I even played in an over thirty | | | | missed it, and fell on your head. Then you |
| league back in the mid eighties. When my | | | | begged me not to make you play again." She |
| child Sarah was born in 1991, baseball wasn't | | | | answered me with , "SO? Why didn't you make |
| something I thought she would ever be | | | | me?" Now I was the one who was starting to |
| interested in. But when she was about six, I | | | | sweat. I said, "You didn't want to play. You |
| took her over to the park to hit some | | | | wouldn't let up until I agreed not to make |
| baseballs. She picked up the balls after I | | | | you play.Sarah then made a statement to me |
| hit them, and she got up to bat. She hit a | | | | that I will never forgot as long as I live. |
| few balls, and she even ran the bases. Sarah | | | | She said, "But dad, you're supposed to be in |
| had and still has athletic ability- good hand | | | | charge." Where had I gone wrong seven years |
| eye coordination, flexibility, strength and | | | | earlier? At the time, it seemed like the |
| agility. Well, when Sarah was 7, she came to | | | | right thing to do was to give in to what |
| me one day and said, "Hey dad can I play | | | | Sarah wanted. But it turned out that I hadn't |
| soccer?" I said, "Sure." So I went out and | | | | done what she needed me to do. I had allowed |
| bought her a soccer ball, shin guards, and | | | | a six year old to decide whether or not she |
| cleats. I signed her up for the recreational | | | | wanted to play soccer. What had she really |
| league in town. I must admit I was pretty | | | | needed at the time? She needed me to tell her |
| enthused. We practiced kicking the ball in | | | | that she was going to play soccer because I |
| the backyard, and we were both getting pretty | | | | as the parent knew what was best for her, and |
| excited about her first game. Well, the | | | | I wasn't going to give her a way out. She |
| Saturday of the first game came, so Sarah and | | | | wanted me to be in charge, not allow her to |
| I headed up to the soccer field. After some | | | | be in charge. I unknowingly had let her down. |
| warm-up activities and a pep talk from the | | | | When I teach my graduate courses, I ask my |
| coach, the game started. To my surprise Sarah | | | | adult students the following question all the |
| was in the starting line-up. She ran up and | | | | time. How many things did your parents let |
| down the field for the first ten minutes or | | | | you get away with as a kid that you wish you |
| so, and she finally had an opportunity to | | | | had never gotten away with? I usually get |
| kick the ball. She took her first kick, | | | | lots of stunned looks from my students. Too |
| missed the ball, and landed flat on her back. | | | | often we allow our children to make choices |
| She got up, and came crying over to the | | | | and decisions that they have no business |
| sideline and begged, "Don't make me play | | | | making. I see it all the time in |
| anymore, Dad, I can't do it." She refused to | | | | supermarkets, stores, and malls, parents |
| go back into the game. The game ended, and on | | | | giving in when their children demand they buy |
| the way to the car she continued to cry, | | | | something, or parents trying to coax their |
| "Don't make me play Dad, please, I don't want | | | | kids to stop crying or to stop running away |
| to." I mustered up all my courage and I said | | | | from them. The children ignore their parents' |
| to her sternly, "You're playing. You are | | | | pleadings. Usually, the parents say something |
| playing. Now get in the car." She got in the | | | | to their children like, "What do you want to |
| car and we drove home. On the way home all I | | | | do?" Well honestly, who cares what they want, |
| heard was a bunch of sniffling and whining in | | | | they're three years old! I'm not totally sure |
| the back seat. I didn't have a very long ride | | | | where this whole attitude has come from, but |
| home, but I can tell you this. She wore me | | | | I have my own theory that Dr. Benjamin Spock |
| out. I was emotion ally exhausted by the time | | | | had a lot to do with it. Spock's first book, |
| I got home. We pulled up into the driveway, | | | | Baby and Child Care" was first published in |
| and I sat miserably in the car as I watched | | | | 1946 just in time for the baby boomer |
| Sarah get out and walk into the house, | | | | generation. In his book he spoke about |
| sniffling and shaking as she walked through | | | | feeding on demand, respecting your children, |
| the front door. I sat stewing in the car and | | | | the need for flexibility, and the lack of the |
| said to myself, "Who wants to play soccer | | | | necessity to worry about spoiling. The |
| anyway, dumb game." I then attempted to | | | | paperback sold more than 50 million copies |
| further rationalize my thoughts by saying to | | | | and was translated into 30 languages. Critics |
| myself, "Soccer's for boys anyway." I walked | | | | of Spock claimed that he was "the father of |
| into the house, stood at the bottom of the | | | | permissiveness." In later years, Spock |
| stairs and yelled up the stairs, "SARAH." She | | | | claimed that he never changed his basic |
| sniffled her way through a "Yeah dad." I | | | | philosopy on child care, that it was |
| said, "Come down here." She came down the | | | | imperative to respect children because |
| stairs, and I said to her, "Look honey, you | | | | they're human beings and they deserve |
| don't have to play soccer, if you don't want | | | | respect. But he seemed to retreat somewhat |
| to play. It's ok with me." She said, "Oh | | | | from his teachings when he made statements |
| thank you daddy." She gave me a big hug and | | | | such as "I've always said ask for respect |
| kiss and ran back upstairs. Honestly, I felt | | | | from your children, ask for cooperation, ask |
| like her hero. I was her knight in shining | | | | for politeness. Give your children firm |
| armor. I had just come through for her, and | | | | leadership." Years later, he beca me more |
| given her exactly what she wanted. I was sure | | | | moralistic and he said that parents should |
| I had made the prudent decision; I didn't | | | | give their children strong values and |
| even have to ask her mother's opinion. I | | | | encourage them to help others. This is only |
| figured what's the big deal, no harm done. I | | | | supposition, but I hypothesize that Spock may |
| was content in the knowledge that I had | | | | have decided that he didn't like what he saw |
| allowed my six year old daughter to make her | | | | in society and realized that he may have |
| own decision. Well, I have another daughter | | | | played a part in the screwing up of |
| named Grace (Grace is 6 years younger than | | | | generations. In later editions of the book |
| Sarah) who came to me when she was six years | | | | originally titled The Common Sense Book of |
| old and said, "Hey dad,can I play soccer?" I | | | | Baby and Child Care, he stressed that |
| said, "Sure honey." The same routine started | | | | children needed standards and that parents |
| again, the shin guards, the cleats, the | | | | also had a right to respect. He stated in his |
| soccer ball, the practice, and finally the | | | | book that parents were starting to become |
| game. But this time, the outcome was much | | | | afraid of imposing on the child in any way. I |
| different. Grace ran enthusiastically up and | | | | 'm not claiming to be an expert on child |
| down the field from one end to the other. She | | | | rearing, but I do know that if children are |
| never got near enough to even touch the ball, | | | | are fed on demand they will be demanding. If |
| but she had a great time. Grace came off the | | | | they are allowed to say anything they want |
| field with a look of absolute joy in her eyes | | | | they will be disrespectful. If they are not |
| and said to me, "Boy, that was fun Dad." She | | | | held accountable they will be irresponsible. |
| played the first season, and had a ball. She | | | | And if there are no consequences for |
| played the next season and really improved a | | | | inappropriate behavior they will be |
| lot. She wanted to score really badly, but | | | | non-compliant. Parents today always ask, What |
| didn't have the opportunity. She still loved | | | | can we do with our kids today? My question |
| the game. To her, every game was an event, an | | | | is, What are we going to do with these |
| outing that ended with a snack and a | | | | parents? Once I relinquished my natural right |
| Gatorade, lunch, and a fun time spent with | | | | as a parent to make decisions for my |
| me. While this was going on Sarah was into | | | | children, I was never truly able to |
| cheerleading, gymnastics, track, palates, and | | | | reestablish my parental authority. From the |
| even a little weight lifting. She loved | | | | moment that my daughter convinced me to allow |
| designer clothes, having her nails done, | | | | her to make the choice not to play soccer, |
| tanning, make-up, and just looking good. She | | | | she learned she had the power to make |
| watched her weight and understood that in | | | | basically every decision that came along in |
| order to look good, she had to spend a good | | | | her life whether large or small. And the |
| deal of time exercising. She commented to me | | | | saddest part of all of this for me is that |
| one time that some of her friends on her | | | | she blames me because I wasn't strong enough |
| track team had less body fat than she did and | | | | NOT to let her assume a role she was never |
| that they could run faster than she could. It | | | | designed to play in her own young life. Dr. |
| was just a passing comment but I remember her | | | | Spock has since passed away, and I think many |
| saying it, and I most definitely noticed that | | | | of us are looking for a new voice to offer us |
| she was bothered by this. One day Sarah and I | | | | some solid advice to help us sort out the |
| drove over to the soccer field to pick Grace | | | | mess we are in today. |
| up from a soccer practice. We got to the | | | | |
| field, and Grace got into the car sweating; | | | | Jim Burns is one of America's most |
| her face was as red as a tomato. Sarah handed | | | | inspirational educational speakers. His |
| a Gatorade and a snack over to her in the | | | | humorous and insightful presentations touch |
| back seat, and Grace just sat there, | | | | and influence his audiences in an |
| contentedly guzzling her drink. Sarah looked | | | | unforgettable way. Best known for his |
| back at Grace, then looked forward, looked | | | | presentations on Bullying, Motivating |
| back again at Grace again, and then stared | | | | Disaffected Students, Diffusing Power |
| straight at me. She said, "Hey dad, why | | | | Struggles, Character Education, and |
| didn't you make me play soccer?" I said | | | | Leadership, Jim has worked as a teacher and |
| (defensively), "I wanted you to play. Don't | | | | administrator since 1977. |